The newest update from my mother regarding their situation! Please read and share 🙏 Thank you!❤️
” Progress continues, but perhaps not as fast as I want it. The landlord is very kind changing the one bedroom apartment in to a two bedroom putting a wall up in the kitchen making it smaller and no dining area, but I really want Turid to have her own space! I don’t mind sharing with Patric, the space I need is very small, basically a bed and I’m fine! For now we share a bigger bed that was given to us, but I hope to get a smaller one in the future so the bed doesn’t take up too much of his playing area, and hopefully we’ll find him a nice bunk bed too.
Cooking is a bit tricky since we don’t have all the kitchen tools needed, but with some planning it’s manageble. Cleaning is more tricky since we don’t have a vacuum cleaner, but everything will come eventually!
The social services turned my complaint down and I’m still not getting any financial aid or any kind of support from them! They don’t even know that we managed to find an apartment in the last minute, and you would think at least a phone call would be expected from them, since they were concerned enough to have a meeting with us to see if they could take my children or not (explaining to my 7 year old son that we were not there to get help with a new home, just to see if I am a good mother!?!?) but nothing!!! So I am still very much alone in this and don’t believe I will get any help from them ever… So I still have to rely on your good will to help and still beg to be able to stay in this small but cozy home.
The children’s health is still very much an issue that worries me a lot! Their health hasn’t improved as much as I thought, and I fear that the neurological impact might take longer to heal from… As of now we still take it one day at the time and just try to make the best out of it, but it’s hard when they are in pain and really suffer and there is nothing I can do but to hold them and wipe their tears, some days several times. We are looking for some MD whom is a specialist on mold issues and it’s severe impact on the body and brain, hopefully we’ll find someone soon so my children will get the help they need! Now it’s just a lot of testings and exrays to rule out what ever they can think of!
It looks like I found a solicitor, finally! It will be expensive, 2000kr/hour, but as the process proceeds in court I will only have to pay 20% and there are different ways to have that funded. But that is really good news, finally someone that can see that my landlords are responsible and that we deserve justice!
So we are not fully there yet, I still need your help and support, so please do what you can and share this campaign with as many as you can! Thank you, love and blessings to you all! “
https://gofund.me/6866e09e
Tag: mental and spiritual health
BREATH Yoga with Adriene
If you haven’t tried it yet I highly recommend yoga 🧘♀️🤸♀️
Adriene on YouTube has since the start of this year shared a new yoga series called BREATH. As someone who has done yoga and some meditating 😉😌 before I really enjoy this one. The practices are fun, gentle, strengthening och very cleansing for me. In my opinion this is a great way to exercise and stretch – even if you are a beginner oas well as familiar with yoga and meditation.
I will post the link to the first day video here and you can decide for yourself if this is something for you❣️
https://youtu.be/ZSIp00SewO8
A somewhat better start of the year
This evening I have seen my family’s new home and it looks really nice compared to the other one, the house that wasn’t livable or healthy! All the money they received from the donations have gone to that, paying rent and the deposit, and to buy basic furniture – BEDS! I mean imagine not having a bed?! – and small every day stuff like cutlery, glasses and plates. !! My mother has worked so hard for this and with your help and support it has been made into reality! But she is still working hard, every day and all the time. They still need help and support, especially since the municipality/county still isn’t helping them. Which is why I will share the Gofundme campaign again. And I will not stop sharing it until they have everything they need because they deserve it, like everyone deserves a proper home❣️
But I am so so grateful and happy for them, that they finally have a home to live in and to regain their health in! So thank you for the bottom of my heart to all of you who have shared and donated ❣️
Much love!✨
https://gofund.me/6866e09e
Free writing
I want to write and dream. Scream the song so loud as you can. Don’t hold back. Just do it. Nothing can go wrong, only everything.
I seem to have forgotten how to write and speak my thoughts. The emotions gets in the way and they stop me without warning. Therefore I’m now trying to just write without thinking to much. It is a very scary process, new thing, because I am afraid of what other people will think of me when they read it. I am a very private and shy person, truly. Yet I can overshare so incredibly much.
Today was good but also hard. I accidentally hurt one of the animals at my boyfriend’s work and I can’t stop feeling bad about it. I didn’t mean to, I never meant to. It was an accident. Did I learn something from it? Hell yes. But still. It is very VERY EMBARRASSING.
Phew. I got it out. But now… There’s a physical reaction: sweat.
I don’t like to sweat but I suppose it is natural.
GAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Sometimes you just have to scream. If only through writing.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
I don’t know if this gave me anything but I do feel a bit better. Pheww…
I should try to sleep now. Work tomorrow again, yay. BYE.
Good things are coming
Though Covid still roams and we have entered a more strict and hard lockdown here in the Netherlands, good things are still coming.
My mother has received help and support from the church nearby where they live and people are donating to her campaign. I am so so grateful for the good in this world and that my family gets to receive it.
It can be easy to fall into the negative ways of thinking and feeling, especially when times are tough. Losing hope in humanity and the world is easier than most would think. But there is good in this world. It is not all through scary, evil and poisoned, though I too may both feel and think that it is. Sometimes.
When I was small I used to be so afraid of life and living only because I was afraid of death and dying. It was a crippling, paralyzing fear that ruled my mind for many years. Luckily it did not take as many years for me to come to terms with it but it still comes back to me now and then. When I get full of my emotions, the good ones, I can suddenly be overwhelmed by a fear of somehow losing it all.
Maybe it’s not so much that the world is scary but how we think and approach it in our own minds. If we choose and try to accept what is it can be easier to focus more on what makes us feel good and be grateful for what we have now.
I want to believe that the world is good and that it is with me. And these past days I have seen proof of that it is good. I love that there are people, strangers and friends alike, that gather to help and support my family.
That is the biggest proof to me that our world is good.
The people make it good when they do good.
What good can you do? What good can I do? To do something good for someone else doesn’t mean that it has to be a huge grand splendid act. It can be small, gentle and simple. It can be a phonecall to a loved one (or a text message, if you don’t like to call over the phone); a warm shower of bath for yourself; baking and sharing it with your neighbors by placing it outside their door (to keep the distance…). It can be a small donation to a cause you feel for and agree with. An act of good could also be to break up with a person who is toxic to you, regardless of what bond you two may have had. Family or not – toxic people are not worthy of you. (But remember to watch out for yourself too, in a gentle way. Observe.)
Stay safe and take care of yourself and each other. Do what you need to care for your health, physically and mentally.
If you want to donate to my family, please visit the campaign on Gofundme here. Thank you.
Somewhere in the middle
This will be a more personal text in contrast to yesterday’s post about the banned BPD hashtag on Instagram but there will also be a small rant about my spirituality.
Since yesterday I have read so many brave and beautiful posts by people with BPD. They stand up for themselves and for the BPD community.
I could never be that brave, to write about it on my personal Instagram or Facebook. Only because I am afraid of what people would think of me then. But when I read the post from cjontheborderline I felt something huge. I felt how small I was making myself because I wouldn’t let myself write publicly amongst my family and friends about BPD and the fault Instagram has done.
Another reason for why I haven’t taken this to my Facebook or my personal Instagram is because I don’t have the diagnosis. Still I relate to it as if I have it. BPD and Quiet BPD especially, has been the only thing to really explain to me why I am the way I am, why I feel and think and act as I do. However I feel “too well” and I’m “too functional” to think I have a right to ask for help, such as therapy. Because you don’t see it on me, but I feel it inside me.
I don’t want to hide, even though it is comfortable here in my little bubble. But hiding means that I’m ashamed of it, because I don’t want people to think of me as a weakling who suffers. It’s enough that I think like that, sometimes.
I don’t want people to think, Ooh Moa wants to be special, because it’s not like that either. I am afraid that if I actually would go and ask for help, get help and it would turn out to be BPD well then I would hurt so many people. I really think it would hurt people and I don’t want that. (Wouldn’t it be better though if I would get to know it for sure, instead of living in doubt with it?)
Some time ago I wanted to write about the connection between mental health and spirituality but I still haven’t figured it all out yet.
I used to be very involved in spiritual things. I would meditate and communicate with non-physical beings. I would heal people and animals just by thinking it, with energy. I would talk to God and the Primary Creator, angels, shadows, faeries and mermaids. Meditating and staying on the higher frequencies, be as pure and nonjudgmental and loving and accepting as possible.
I didn’t always like it. The fun part was the healing. It was always a surprise to me that what I did actually worked. Half of the time I didn’t believe that it did, I didn’t fully trust the information I got from what I thought to be the Universe or God or my higher self. Even though I believed in it, that it was true, I also didn’t believe in it at the same time.
It also wasn’t what I wanted to do for my life. Like with many other things I did it because others needed it from me and because they said that I was good at it.
Now I am on a break from all of that, because I can no longer continue to do something that I don’t want to do. It makes me feel bad that I can’t be there or help in the way I did before, but I can’t force this spiritual power or psychic ability to come out anymore. And for that I am sorry.
But now I’m doing things for myself and I feel like my life is actually mine. I choose my own path. That is free will.
The reason for why I wanted to write about mental health and spirituality was because I wanted to know if there was a spiritual explanation for BPD, since I’ve come to believe that “spirituality has an explanation for everything”. A few months ago I did a Google search and I actually found something, an article on a website called The Art of Healing. I read the article several times because I just couldn’t believe it, that there actually could be a spiritual explanation for this mental illness.
During my break I have found that I am getting to know myself again. I find myself as I person, as Moa without a super grand purpose but as a Moa that wants to live. I find myself as a girlfriend and partner who shares her life with her boyfriend, living together. It is new and different but it feels right and natural. It feels good. And more importantly: I feel better and most of the time I feel good. I have less bad days now.
I’m not saying woah I’m cured! from whatever is bothering me. I still struggle internally sometimes and I’m not perfect. But I am getting there, not that I have to go anywhere or evolve like a Pokémon. I just have to learn to accept myself.
I want to end by saying that even though I don’t know for sure that I have BPD or don’t have it, I will always support the community and the people who have the diagnosis and also the people who are like me and relate to it but don’t have gotten the diagnosis for whatever reason.
Stay safe and take care.
Journaling
Today I finished writing in a journal I’ve had for the past two years. At the beginning it was supposed to be a journal of write letters in for my – back then long distance relationship partner – but after a few months I decided to keep it for myself. I didn’t write in it everyday which is why I was able to keep it for so long.
Whenever I reach the end of a journal I get sentimental. I feel the need of ending it in the right, perfect way. So with the last few pages I put all my emotions and energy in to it and ended it the way I started, by writing to my boyfriend but also with a letter to myself.
The following hours I spent looking for another old journal of mine. It was tucked away in my boxes that I still kind of need to unpack, but that will be done when we have our own place since we don’t have space for everything in there now (but that’s alright, I don’t want to rush.)
I’ve seen people on YouTube read their old journals and oh my goodness, it is so much fun to watch those videos. I wanted to do it too – I don’t mean making a video of me reading my old thoughts, no, but I wanted to read it for myself. And I did.
I am very happy that I decided not to throw away this journal. The ones I had before this one are gone, torn apart and thrown away. But this one I told myself to save.
Reading it was a weird experience but it was fun to see what my focus was back then in 2016 and -17. Lots of anger, heartbreak and a constant search for who I was and wanted to be. Long story short: I am now exactly where I wanted to be.
What will my focus be now? To enjoy myself and my life, as much as possible. To live life to the fullest.
Writing for myself
I tried out some journal prompts for self-discovery and got super stressed from it, had to rant about it (down below here) and meditate to calm down. The rest of this post has turned out to be a bit of a “life update” post or something like that, even though it’s nothing “new” to report more than that I need to get my thoughts out and sort them. At the end I also dared myself to go outside… isn’t it nice though, that I look after myself?
~
Insert inspirational text here.
Sometimes we get stressed. That is what I am now. Stressed. I know what I could do to make it better and that is to meditate but just thinking of that gets me stressed too.
I had such big ideas to write about last week or if it was around the weekend, at the moment I don’t know for sure. I wanted to write about the world mental health day on October 10th, to inspire and motive myself. I wanted to write about that the babies are doing better now that they are separated; make a post about me taking a break from all of social media for a while because what I mostly do on there is to compare myself to others and feel bad. I wanted to write about our plants that are in urgent need of care. I had these big ideas, but no words. I really wanted to write, but I think what I needed was to scream.
In the “end” I didn’t write anything, not publicly – but I returned to my journal which I’ve had for over two years now due to me not writing so much anymore. Which I find to be sad since it helped me so much before. Soooo I did a bit of research and found that journaling could be this really huge, great thing to help improve your life and that you could even do a big self-discovery through journaling!! Woah, so cool! — I knew that though. But with the journaling prompts I found I thought that it could help me get into it again. Get some structure and order.
Now I have spent this morning and noon writing in my journal with these prompts and if I was feeling stressed before, that was nothing compared to what I feel now. Thanks to these prompts or questions as they actually are, I have become super aware of how mean and awful I am to myself. I’m my worst nightmare and enemy. In these answers, that I never will share here, I have judged myself in every aspect of what is my life and I have felt so much hate and disgust towards this ego inside of me. The pictures above this text goes against what I felt for myself and it makes me so, so frustrated. Why is it so hard to accept myself as I am? That is the biggest question I have right now because once again I have come to the conclusion that I don’t accept myself, I’m not worthy of myself and I’m not enough for myself. All things which I know to be bullshit because I have worked so hard with myself for “so long” now – I should be past these things.
*insert your favourite gif that portraits frustration here*
When these moments occur in my life I tend to spiral right down to the bottom, which ofcourse it bottomless and I dwell and revel in the thoughts and emotions that come up with it all. But what really helps me through these not so long but extremely intense moments of despair is exactly what I said in the beginning of this post: meditation.
When I meditate I make sure that the space I am in is warm, cozy and that I feel safe enough to be able to relax. I light a candle and an incent, sometimes I put on soft music and then I place myself down, close my eyes and just breathe. And even though I have done this for many times for a couple of years now (though not every day!) as soon as I start or think about that I start, my mind starts to babble. About everything and nothing. I do my best to just let it have it’s go while I focus on breathing until eventually, there’s only me, the breath and everything else sort of…fades out.
I don’t find that meditation magical fixes the problems or issues I stressed about but what it does is that it brings a while of silence and calm in which I can think more clear and be more aware in a gentle, non judgemental way towards myself.
As the first picture, Monday Reminders, says: Even if today starts off bad, it could turn around! (It did.)
Do I plan to continue writing with the prompts? Yes. Even though I trigger myself a lot when I answer the questions, I do believe it to be good for me to become aware of what my thoughts are about myself and the life I now have in relation to what I want my life to be life. -> I want to have a job, my own income and sparetime after work. I want to wake up and be motivated enough to keep going, be in the flow of things and with the rhythm of the everyday life. I want to feel what my family feels about me, proud. I want to be able to see myself as a person who does her best simply because she does.
Do I imagine that this is going to change me and myself, magically over night? You bet that I do, because… I do.
I know, I know. Change and improvement does not happen over night. I wish though. This process of becoming an adult is h a r d. Doesn’t matter that I have been in it for a few years now, it is still hard. And going from living wiht my family to living in a student hall for about a year to live back with my family and then in another country for a few months also because of studies, back to my family and *then* move again, this time to live with the person I love most – (also in another country) – it is a bit stressful. I see that now. And the process of settling down, starting to learn the language and creating a daily routine… I think it would have been easier if I hadn’t stressed myself to start looking for a job so soon. That is just what I think. Please, don’t get upset about it.
How do I imagine writing will help me deal? Well first of all, I get to see my thoughts on paper or on screen, depending on where I decide to write. At the moment of writing, I feel more objective towards myself now compared to how I felt when I was writing in the journal. If that has to do with holding on to a pen or not, I’m not sure but that could be it, strangely enough. The text on the screen also appears to be more sterile compared to my own handwriting, in which I can read all my thoughts and emotions just by looking at how it looks.
Secondly, with my thoughts out of my head it is easier for me to go on with my day. *AHA-experience just now: So this is why people do the writing in the morning, to get everything out???? AMAZING.*
I don’t know if I need a third reason. I already have myself convinced, so I think I’m ready to continue now. Hah. Better not linger here for too long or I will question myself on this soon: am I really ready and what is it that I am ready for? See, I’m already doing it.
“Worrying about getting everything done won’t solve anything”, says the Monday Reminders and I tell myself that now. Let go of the worry, step off of that train and ease into something else, something new, something better. Go meditate. Again? Yes, again. OR – why don’t you accpet this till challenge and go out to the garden and sit with nature for a while, better yet – go for a walk. Do it, I dare you. (Why do I dare myself to do this?) And when you have done it, if you did it, why don’t you write about it and tell me what you think? Could be fun.
Late night thoughts – from a year ago (9/10/2019)
One of the best things with journaling is in my opinion that once we have written something down we always have the possibility to go back and look at it. I don’t always see how far I have come in my life but looking back at my entries and scribbles helps me with that. It’s also just plain fun to see what I was thinking back then, compared to what I think now.
What’s written here is from a year ago today. Back then I was in London, studying at the Kogan Academy of Dramatic Arts. I remember how special I felt because I was a student there, to think that I had been accepted to their school, wow what a blessing.
Indeed.
Perhaps it was good that I was there – it is, or was, a part of my life and my journey which I consider to be one of the best things in life one could possibly have. Their life journey, I mean.
So this is a bit of a cheers and thank you to my one year ago self who walked the streets of London, working so hard with herself to heal and forgive herself, the past and others. You did great, Moa. Goed gedaan.
Going back to the roots
This morning I have spent by reading a very interesting and refreshing blogpost regarding the 12 Universal Laws.
I find it fascinating how things always come into my life – and leave it all the same – when I am absolutely ready to receive (and let go of it.) Because for some time now I haven’t felt drawn to the spiritual aspects of my life; I didn’t want to meditate or connect with anything like it at all. I was done. Well, it was more like I needed a break. And now it seems like the break is starting to ease it self out: yesterday evening I suddenly started to feel very drawn to nature again, I had a strong need of connecting with mother earth, especially the fallen leafs of autumn.
However, going back to the spiritual stuff is not something I want to rush with. I want to take it easy instead of diving right back into it and starting up a business, which I’m not even sure if I would want to have yet. First of all I need to balance myself and what better what to do that than to go back to the roots? I think that’s the reason for why I have this urge and wanting to go back to nature, the earth and her soil and also why I found this blog.
I am not going to rewrite what the blogpost says about these 12 Universal Laws, not in this post of mine in any case. I would like to do it since I love to write and I learn and understand more as I write things down. But in this post I just wanted to write down some of my thoughts and feelings as this has been an important as well as completely neutral thing to me.
For now I will sign out from the internet and continue the way back to my roots. Haregötthäääj
a rhapsody that is life 